if

fear bentonn,

i need quiet

i need to actively be passive

i’ve decided that today, although it had been growing for some weeks now

i guess in my core or on what i’ve been used to doing all my life there’s a need to please people

and so i please them and i lose myself in the process

at least in the way that i do it because truth is 89 of the time i’m not being honest 

i’m not paying attention

my mind is wandering while they are talking or i’m just agreeing with them or whatever or i’m performing because i’m more interested or my senses are more focused on something that is going on around than on them

and so

i accept i have that need to please people 

but i also accept that i want to be a better me

and i want to pay respect to people by being honest and fully with them

that starts by selecting who i consider a people that i should please

another important aspect is to stop pouring myself in most conversations

i feel like i regret most of the things that come out of my mouth because they’re either a lie or some convenient truth told to fit in the moment or they don’t make justice to what i really want to say

more often than not, my words betray what i truly feel or believe in

and so i need to practice silence

i’m doing it these days

i’m trying

yes,

it’s about practising

ego is there

wanting to talk and prove my value

or wanting to be noticed

but it’s like no

my worth should start originating within me, not outside

silence

being like water and not so rigid in my principles and what i’m used to doing (like being an entitled pedastrian) helps 

i need to be a lake

or the ocean

but not the boat that is at the mercy of the big blue

loco power starts within

and its more powerful element is silence

hey, i think