dear bentonn,

today i've realized that my self-esteem is
down here
and that's what make my moods flood and fop

i think it stems from my physical appearance and how, for so long, i've believed i was ugly and i had to show my best bits and try to hide what i thought or was told that was horrible
and when i haven't been able to i've felt exposed and therefore awkward

beauty is something important for me

and since i stopped seeing it in myself, i look for validation outside
or i see how other people that i consider beautiful are complimented on that
and i compare myself
and no good
it's also a bit of ego
like i want to be complimented and be the very best
like chill

i'm an insecure-secure

on the other hand, it has effected me in the way i interact with people
i've noticed that in a group, when i'm talking, more often than not
people don't pay me a lot of attention or respect

that has always made me mad
especially when i've been dealing with learning to speak up and be heard
but these days i'm like
whatever
nothing really is that important
nothing i have to say either
i mean, at the end, if you only want to be heard
is, in a way, still look for that sense of validation, right?

well, i want to adopt a more
whatever, man, woman attitude

i'm learning to see the beauty in me and around me
i have myself even if no one is paying attention to what i say
i am
and i can do the same with the people around me
or something

hey