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there’s so much pain all around

we become attached to things and people in a way we shouldn’t 

i understand better now that we should let go

trying to understand why or why not is pointless 

it’s all a lie

and we’re blindsided

we don’t know the real motives of people and, moreover, we sometimes don’t understand our own

i don’t trust people 

or facts

or outcomes anymore

however, i’m learning to trust myselfor to trust the constantly changing pieces within me

i’m realizing more and more these days that i want to prioritize my desire to be honest in my relationships with others

i don’t want to waste time, and i don’t want to waste other people’s times

there’s something simple for me when it comes to all of this: or i feel it, or i don’t 

it goes beyond what i can explain now

i think it puts me in a position where i ought to be more sensible and be aware of other people’s emotions while trying to figure out my own

what i get from this year is this: there’s pain and there’s abandonment (both your doing and something done to you) and there’s time invested on nothing while thinking is for something

i think it’s about becoming an observer and simply not doing, but being

more and more everyday

observing yourself and others

and rather than walking on concrete

seeing if there’s a path surrounded by oak trees

something like that

i don’t know, honestly

i only know i don’t want to actively participate

don’t feel like playing once you might have figured out how the game works

don’t get me wrong

i still want to experience life

and the sensual pleasures it offers

but there’s a bitter taste these days that i had not really tried before

it asks me to not be so open to all the wrong that is out there as well as the wrong that i could provoke

in the end, it’s a mourning time 

i think a side of me died 

and there’s only silence now